When you have nothing to lose.

The best advice I have gotten in al long while is "what do you have to lose?". My FAVOURITE lecturer ( this lady is the kind we grew up reading about those professors that felt like professors). She is strict, gives a lot of work makes you think and is encouraging. Go do it kwani what is the worst that can happen? She says over and over and over again.
Come to think of it what is the worse that can happen?
A big no perhaphs,
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SCENARIOS

1. You pitch a story to a newspaper. Worst case it is not published. WORST CASE that can never ever happen  (WCTCNEH) T IS PUBLISHED WITH THE EDITOR SAYING Y IT IS NOT GOOD AND YOU SHOULD NEVER WRITE AGAIN.

2. You meet up with your career hero and tell the person how much you admire them and would one day love to work with them. And the like i.e Networking..

Worst case:  You are asked some strict questions that leave you speechless. WORST CASE that can never ever happen ( WCTCNEH) you start crying and or fall and your hero leaves you with a look that says “ I would never hire you neither will I forget you.”

3.You apply for a job that requires more experience and skills than you have.

Worst case scenario a plain no

Crazy random thoughts for a crazy random day

I feel like running away to a world where I belong.
A place where books are LOVED.
A place where people are sweet and nice and friendly.
But then I guess I would never know if they are being nice. Today I thought I would meet a guy I admire the most. I think I am his no. 1 fan. He is the great, ironical, satirical, hilarious Tony Mochama. But the guy is avoiding me (I think). Reasons y:
1. He was supposed to be launching his book at Storymoja, I went prepared to FINALLY meet him. Sad for me he did not turn up.
2. He was supposed to turn up for the launch of our school newspaper but again he was a no show. Now I am completely sure I never was meant to meet him YET.
So being that I want to rant ( Dear family note this is one of the instances that I do not have to be angry to write)
I have a feeling the future is not going to be what I expected it to be. I am not as agressive i.e I am shy extra shy. My feelings are close to the surface i.e hurt easily.
Today I finally accept that maybe it is not a bad thing for that. Maybe it is not a bad thing that I wear my heart on my sleeve or that I fall apart when someone I admire completly down plays my work.
Maybe ( I sure am optimistic) it is part of my strength.
On that note, I have a lecturer I really aadmire. She is tough and sweet at the same time. She has a do not mess thing going on but also a you can talk to me kind of thing going on. I think we all need a person like her in our lives. Someone who will look at you and tell you things will be okay but you have to do one two three.
I love writing I really do but I think I will have to move away from it coz apparently I need an edge and I do not know how to get it.
I smile tho I break
I walk tho I stumble
I enjoy tho I cry...
:::)))
I miss Wahome Mutahi's great works of art. (That was in other news)

Me n My Heavenly father.

When I was a child, one of my earliest memories of church was getting an X on the back of my hand which meant that I would be given a sweet at the end of the class. My oldre sister always got enough sweets to share so I was assured of a sweet every Sunday. Hehe, I guess I should be thankful to her for knowing the Bible so well and actually learning the memory verses.
As I grew older and moved to ocha, I found a book of Bible stories. The book became a good friend. I loved the pictures and stories especially the one on Queen Esther. I am walking you down my journey with God. Before the ocha going, was nursery in the city. Nursery where our teacher taught us psalms  91:7, and I have never forgotten the verse. Imagine nursery children chanting "A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you." 
Christmas the period we all loved. It was all about singing songs in our new clothes, forget the lines to the songs but still have fun. 
My theme of this story is my journey with God.

The day we all cried...

The sky is blue and the sun is bright. It is 12:00pm on a Friday and three cars slow down at the Jomo Kenyatta Airport. A white Peugeot, silver Mercedes and a red pickup drive into the parking lot.

From the Peugeot comes two children with smiles on their faces and an elderly lady in a green kitenge and crutches under her arms. Two men in suits and frowns on their faces rush to her side. Mama as they fondly call her has tears in her eyes and is determined to walk. Two young ladies in their teenage years and a man in a grey suit join them from the other cars.

The group of eight walks slowly almost in a line towards the arrival area. The three gentlemen in suits lead the way followed by the two boys with smiles and finally Mama on her crutches and leaning on the two ladies. One of them is arriving today. The prodigal son who has been away for eight years and who sickness has forced to come home.

As they wait in silence and anxiety, a young man in a blue sweater and jeans emerges. He is leaning heavily on a young lady who closely resembles him. In short and shaky steps he rushes into Mama’s arms. His face lights up and he shouts in joy “I am finally home.” With these words the tension in the air is broken and everyone rushes to hug him.

He laughs, he talks and cries. He is weak but happy. They were all worried about him but his laughter and look of joy sets a happy mood. They relax he is home and safe. He has given them hope and a his wide smile says relax I will be okay.

Dear swts
I am hurting today. I feel like tearing up. It has been a long week. I feel like a bee who's honey has been taken away and friends killed. Okay that is an exaggeration but it gives you a good idea of what is going on.
Then when I feel like nothing else can go wrong am hit by a wave of optimism. For some reason it makes me feel even worse.
I need a life I mean I need a hobby. I should not spend so much time with words. I know it sounds terrible but to me it makes sense. This is one of those days you wake up and look around and wonder where you are and where you are heading to.
When I am as angry as today as sad as today then I write. I curse and I scream in words. Sure you cannot hear me but you sure do make me feel better.
 I am sure that tomorrow I will be smiling and wondering what the heck was I on yesterday.
I think with my heart when I know I shouldnt
I feel so small but then again so is a mosquito :)
Today will pass
Tomorrow will come
I will smile and be happy
But I will not forget you
You my friend when everything is gloomy and the world seems dark

My Beginning of the ending.

"Bright and shining beautiful day it is. Time to change the monotonous style of life and surprise myself. I am a nice naive shy girl lost in the middle of normalcy and trying to find herself and for once make her voice heard. This is how I plan to do it. I plan to say a poem instead of a speech on Monday when everyone else will be saying a persuasive speech. I plan to tear a top and make it into a wild creation of mine that would still be okay according to Daystar laws and regulations.
I plan to surprise a mean girl and tell her exactly what I feel about her every time I look at her and smile in her directions. Maybe its time to be truthful well its said the truth hurts. Time to write and send it far away to be read and judged by a stranger.
I have felt love, been hurt and cried. I have never ventured out of my comfort zone. I have never stood up for that one person who the class always laughed at. I joined her in my silence and thought the fact that I dint laugh made me feel like a better person. I know it was wrong but that is the strength of normalcy. The one that makes you wear jeans even when you love shorts because the crowd."
Reality hits, alas its real life. I may want to stand up to that mean girl but I won't.
I may want tobe different but the courage fails me.
I make but I do not do.
I wish but on the outside I am still the shy girl who is afraid to be judged and found wanting.
The one who will be in aroom full of people but quiet in the corner.
The girl who opens and blossoms in the company of friends and family but to the rest crumbles and crawls away.

I sit down and gaze at the future
Hoping to see it full of light and love and happiness.
The present is depressing the future has to be better.
The chance to make right the wrong
The chance to see a bright day
The hole is small
The darkness is overwhelming
But the struggle continues
Hope has to live
In order for me to survive
Tears cannot be shed anymore
Prayers are said in desperate tones
Faith is dying day by day.

I RIDE HORSES.

Horses are wonderful animals associated with wealth.They are rich animals those that children pay 100 bob for a 2 minute ride. They are mysterious associated with the stories of how knights save the princess and gallop her away. Yes horses have a better name than even some people.

Reason I choose to write about horses is because I love horses. And also because I was dared to write a story on riding horses. The proverbial horse is what I will write about. It is richness and getting to the stage where you can fly your kids to school in a chopper everyday.
I want to own a horse one day and ride it into the sunset with a handsome knight by my side. Ahh what bliss to think of things you hope you can get and think you cannot.
Henry Ford once said whether you say you cant or can, it is probably right. My translation I can own a horse a real horse on a ranch but being a kenyan my horse will most likely be cars or cows. I hope cows thousands of cows and then I can play at being a cow girl.
Horses can also be hapiness the thing we want most and do too  much for yet most of the time it is right infront of us.We need to relax and look at the present without worrying about the future. Maybe we have our horse right infront of us but we are to complicated to notice.
Hmm I am embarking on a journeyto get my horse.

Party elections imagine I lost. UNBELIEVABLE!

I have just left something I thought I would win. The company elections was tonight. I am a staunch believer and I love the company I am always there for them so its only natural that I would have some expectations of getting somewhere. The meeting started well with over thirty members present. Introductions were done we laughed and talked and joked about each others relationship status. Finally the time we were all waiting for.  The nominations of the new officials. It was time to choose. Of course we begun with the chair and I was nominated though we all knew who would win. Then the vice and again I was nominated then the treasurer and again I was nominated and I did not get any post. Mark you the elections were done in that the nominated people left the room then the other people voted and chose their leader. I went out three times  all times in vain but ooh well guess lesson learnt is my time hasn’t come yet.

Last week I had called up my dear mother to cry over messing up when applying for a job I really wanted and her calm reply was if the job is yours you will get it if it is not yours you will not get it and that is just the way life. God gives you something He knows you can handle and o good in if you do not get what you wanted it was not what you needed. Lesson of the day keep smiling even when the time does not deserve your smile.

I hope completely hope to learn more by not getting those posts than I would learn by getting them. I have never known how to take disappointments but time has come for me to take risks without the fear of failure but with the joy of looking forward to a challenge.

I love my family ALOT. They are the ones I look to when  life is hard and disappointing and I cannot take it anymore. When am bored there is always Rose to call , when I need ideas Sue comes into the picture and when I need advice and love Mama’s voice does it for me. Today I am counting my blessings being grateful for having a big family thus I can discuss my relationship problems with Caro and I can talk and laugh time away with Peter. I love being a lastborn and depending on my family even though I have to grow up one day well al take the growing one day at a time.

I have the best of friends people who were there for me when I lost my father. People who hold me when I cry who support me when I fall right after they laugh at me. Wednesday 22^nd February was a hard day for me but all those friends who care for me were there. Claire kept me company Betsy made me laugh  Dee showed me how to share love even when one is a 100  kilometres  away. My other bffs were all therefor me to keep me from thinking too much and to I survived one of the worst days of my life all thanks to those friends who I can not reward in money because they deserve more than that. I even fear I cannot be as good a friend as they are.

Did I mention my cousins, nieces and nephews when I talked of my family?? Hmm they make my life go on and with so much fun and excitement. I share a special bond with each of them. Funny story  me and a cousin of mine were standing outside an electronics shop and next to it was a kichochoro. It was 24^th December a day all cousins  had been together. There we were just me and Daisy minding our  own business waiting for dear big cuzo to pick us when three young men came along and one of them said to us come I have 500 bob. He loudly said to his friends “ Hawa nawajua wanakkuanga hapa.” We were shocked we were decently dressed in BAGGY trousers and sweaters not for a minute did we look  like prostitutes and at 500 umm WHAT!!!!  Well that is it for the night more stories coming soon... 

What travelling does to me

I have always wanted to write while am travelling because the view of everything just fills me with words. A childhood dream to write on the road odd or weird its just me. I love travelling when I was small I used to make up stories in my mind and close my eyes and watch the story unfold in my mind or I would stare out and look at the trees, the maize growing the shops we passed and everything just had me thinking about it. Its very interesting the way human beings are. There is always something that calms one down for me its travelling though at times it brings out my emotions. Travelling is magical to me. I love the way it is just me and my thoughts and the motion passing kids who give you something to think about or make you remember the olden days. Seeing couples walking others doing business when travelling its like you are on the outside looking at the world. It feels me with so much. Maybe that’s  what I should do in life be a travelling something. It’s a job I love and I have been preparing for it since I was a toddler.

Chepkanga. The land I belong and grew up.

 Where the wind is so strong that it talks.

 When angry the wind shouts.

when happy it whispers and the trees sway gently to its voice.

where people are warm and welcoming

where people are gossips and know everything about all residents

where it seldom changes

ten years ago and today all things are same

people are born and grow up and move on.

where the skies are so blue

and matatus so rare

people gladly squeeze to make space for a neighbor

chepkanga the place that never changes and the place I grew up.